The Perfect Wife ™ recently bookmarked a few in-house counsel jobs she thought I would be interested in and “asked” me to look at them.  (More accurately, jobs she is interested in me taking so I can stop billing hours.)  Most were transactional positions (despite listening to me constantly complain about my lazy transactional cohorts, she still doesn’t quite get the difference); but one caught my eye.

A smaller, but apparently growing, corporation is seeking as assistant general counsel.  However, they may want to reevaluate their expectations.  They are seeking someone between 5-8 years from a top 100 firm, and a top 20 school.  (OK, fair enough thus far.)  Next, they want someone with extensive labor and employment litigation experience, with some employee benefits work.  (Hmm, getting a little specific, but still people out there who can fit the bill.)  Then they note this new person will need to oversee outside counsel on class actions, so extensive class action experience is needed.  (Wow, a employment litigator who has done a lot of class actions and also happens to work in employee benefits.)  The icing on the cake was the last requirement: “The Associate General Counsel will also be the primary contact with the Securities and Exchange Commission, completing all required filings.  Thus, extensive SEC experience is required.” 

Let’s summarize: this company wants a labor and employment litigator with experience in class actions, employee benefits, and securities filings who went to a top 20 law school and has worked at a top 100 firm.  Last I checked, my firm did not have a Labor/Benefits/Class Actions/Securities Department (yet), and I somehow doubt many top 100 firms do.  Basically, they want to fit the work of three lawyers into one position, and pay about half what the firms do.  WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

Just for fun, I’m going to “enhance” my resume to turn my experience discussing the possibility of more vacation time with the Associates’ Committee into “extensive negotiations regarding employee benefits and labor relations.”  I will also describe my management of a stock portfolio as “significant experience with various securities and securities regulations.”  I view this ad as the employment version of “ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”  I’ll let you know how it goes.