Every office has one.  You usually figure out who she is as soon as you begin working at the firm.  If you don’t immediately know, you figure it out around the time of the Christmas party.  I am speaking, of course, of the Office Flu-zy.

No, I’m not referring to a woman with a certain…morally casual attitude.  No, I’m referring to the person who patrols the hallways looking for any sign of illness and reporting it to her superiors.  Our little flu enforcer is an accounts receivable lackey who deputized herself as the “office health coordinator” a few years ago and has not let go of the position.  Then the swine flu came along like a miraculous answer to her little power hungry prayers.

She walks the halls with clipboard in hand, asking every employee how they’re feeling that day and noting any symptoms reported like a M.D.-less House trying to solve medical mysteries.  I’ve been slowly telling her I suffer from symptoms that, when she puts them into webmd or whatever pop-medical diagnosis machine she uses, will tell her I have Hanson’s Disease (aka leprosy).  It’s only a matter of time before I hear from the NIH.

I asked someone in the business office how often she was in her cube, and was told she has declared her health duties as more important than her actual job.  So she is paid to do one job, but has decided that job is boring, and created a completely different title for herself.  And yet, the accounts receivable department has not missed a beat.  I heard that once the swine flu subsides, the firm will get rid of her (since her primary job is fungible), and hire an actual health professional to serve as the health officer.  Congratulations, Office Flu-zy, you have worked your way out of a job.

But in the bigger picture, the Office Flu-zy is just doing what our society has told us to do.  “Stay home if your sick.”  “You don’t do work any good if you’re sick.”  “Whatever you add by showing up you take away by getting others sick.”  Bulls#!*!!!!  What good is a society that cowers in fear when it has the sniffles?  How great can a society be if it runs for the hills when someone coughs?  I say go to work every day you can stand and keep the wheels of commerce turning.  Just say no to the wussification of the office.  Stand up to the Office Flu-zy, go to work, bill time, and show why we are still the most productive nation on the planet.  And if you have to sneeze on someone, make sure it’s a staffer, not another biller.