Like every business, my firm has bought into the panic and gone overboard trying to avoid a mass flu infection.  And, like everywhere else, the policies have led to mass laziness and absenteeism.

First, the firm is offering free flu vaccines to the lawyers.  Further, they ”massaged the truth” to the County Health Department and said they had a bunch of pregnant women and babies working at the firm to get H1N1 shots for the lawyers.  They were also able to find nurses who were talented enough inject the shots while we type on the computer, thus causing zero billable hours lost while getting innoculated.

Next, the firm has provided staff members with an extra five days of sick pay if they claim they are infected with the flu.  Since most people feel better after about three days, that’s two free paid vacation days.  I saw three secretaries sharing a cup of coffee (yes, the same cup) with a secretary who was “out” with the flu at a Starbucks next to the office.  I’m surprised they didn’t just kiss her.  Not disappointed (I really didn’t need that visual), but surprised.  Last week, 20% of the staff was out.  I had to make my own copies once.  It reminded me why I went to law school.

Finally, the firm has also asked the associates to pick up the slack for the associates who are out with the flu.  The Management Committee has “regrettably” asked that all associates who are not sick bill an extra .1 hour per day for each associate out.  Each morning, we get an e-mail listing who is out, and providing us with teh final count of extra hours we must bill.  Today, 16 associates were out, so we all added 1.6 hours to the pile.  Of course, the people who are out will need to make up the time lost, but they have 11.5 months to do so before the end of the billable year.

I had the flu this week, but didn’t miss any time.  I don’t want my collegues to see my name on the wuss list and think they can get ahead of me on the billable hours chart.  So I just closed my door and plugged away.  I requested an extra trash can to avoid traveling to the bathroom to get sick, and slept on my floor to avoid going home and getting my family sick.  Now, even though I kept the door closed and never coughed directly on her, my secretary is claiming to be sick.  If I weren’t too sick to drive, knew where she lived, and could bill for it, I’d stake out her home to prove she’s just trying to get a few days off.  Either that, or I’ll wait for her to come down for a cup of coffee with the other staffers.