Sorry I haven’t written in a while.  One of my clients…we’ll call them “English Gas” to protect their confidentiality…had a little hiccup recently.  Apparently, people love them some shrimp, and get mighty worked up when a little oil gets in the way.  As much as I obviously believe my client is absolutely innocent of any wrongdoing (who hasn’t released a few million barrels of oil into water at some point?!), I will agree that maybe they should hire PR people who are a little better at photoshop.  My eleven year old nephew’s photoshop of him with Albert Pujols is cleaner than some of the stuff they’re cranking out.

As I wrote last time, my wife made me apply for an inhouse job, so I applied to the most ridiculous job I saw posted.  They wanted an SEC practitioner who also can handle class actions, as well as all employment matters.  I applied, and it turns out the company is a subsidiary of a corporation headquartered in New York City, so that is where interviews are conducted.  The Perfect Wife had never been, so we headed out an afternoon early to take in the sites (for 2 hours…I can’t afford to let anyone catch me in hours.)  We took a few pictures to prove I was out fo the office.

Times Square is pretty impressive.  Sure, some look at the lights…I think of the transactional attorneys needed to coordinate all of the real estate deals, the trademark attorneys going after the knock off salesmen, and litigators defending the stores when Joe Bob from Alabama slips down the stairs at the M & M store.

I loved the view from the top of Rockerfeller Center.  Not for the sweeping view of the greatest urban landscape in the world.  No, I loved imagining all of the offices filled with billers, happily churning files and racking up the billables.  My heart went all atwitter as I calculated the amount of hours created in just one block of NYC.  I could grow to love this place.

Unfortunately, the job is NOT in NYC (but requires NYC hours), and is for a bunch of a-holes.  (If you think top partners in large firms are difficult to love, meet New Yorkers who have been given some money and power.)  But I DID get a free trip to New York out of it…now I just need to make up all of those lost hours.

The Perfect Wife ™ recently bookmarked a few in-house counsel jobs she thought I would be interested in and “asked” me to look at them.  (More accurately, jobs she is interested in me taking so I can stop billing hours.)  Most were transactional positions (despite listening to me constantly complain about my lazy transactional cohorts, she still doesn’t quite get the difference); but one caught my eye.

A smaller, but apparently growing, corporation is seeking as assistant general counsel.  However, they may want to reevaluate their expectations.  They are seeking someone between 5-8 years from a top 100 firm, and a top 20 school.  (OK, fair enough thus far.)  Next, they want someone with extensive labor and employment litigation experience, with some employee benefits work.  (Hmm, getting a little specific, but still people out there who can fit the bill.)  Then they note this new person will need to oversee outside counsel on class actions, so extensive class action experience is needed.  (Wow, a employment litigator who has done a lot of class actions and also happens to work in employee benefits.)  The icing on the cake was the last requirement: “The Associate General Counsel will also be the primary contact with the Securities and Exchange Commission, completing all required filings.  Thus, extensive SEC experience is required.” 

Let’s summarize: this company wants a labor and employment litigator with experience in class actions, employee benefits, and securities filings who went to a top 20 law school and has worked at a top 100 firm.  Last I checked, my firm did not have a Labor/Benefits/Class Actions/Securities Department (yet), and I somehow doubt many top 100 firms do.  Basically, they want to fit the work of three lawyers into one position, and pay about half what the firms do.  WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

Just for fun, I’m going to “enhance” my resume to turn my experience discussing the possibility of more vacation time with the Associates’ Committee into “extensive negotiations regarding employee benefits and labor relations.”  I will also describe my management of a stock portfolio as “significant experience with various securities and securities regulations.”  I view this ad as the employment version of “ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”  I’ll let you know how it goes.

In its neverending commitment to keeping every associate on edge as many times a year as possible, our firm conducted midyear reviews recently.  For two weeks before, every associate bills as many hours as possible and kisses every partner for whom they have worked in the past few months’ backside (more than normal.)  Very rarely does anyone gets fired after these evaluations, but it puts the fear of the Almighty in everyone that they could have been fired, but for the generosity of the firm in giving them a six month reprive.  It’s highly entertaining to see the first years sweat that week…sort of a right of passage.

Of course, I have the most hours of any associate at this point, and should have my yearly minimum wrapped up in the next few weeks.  However, I was told that I need to see “the big picture” of the cases on which I work.  I have questions about how I am supposed to see the big picture on a case when I am given one discreet project, but I am sure I am wrong.  When I am asked to do the body of a motion for sanctions in a case on which I have never worked, and told not to worry about the details, I should have a better understanding of what is happening in a case.  When I review the deposition of an expert to find potential Daubert/Frye challenges, I absolutely should also note how his testimony fits into the “big picture” of the case, even though I have no idea what the case is about.  As I say on my doll, the partners always provide me with sufficient information.  Any error is due to my fault, inexperience, and inattention to details.

So now I must go and become intimately familiar with a case on which I have been asked to research an issue regarding recusal of a judge for being best friends with plaintiff’s counsel.  Obviously, it is important that I learn all facts and issues of the case so I can effectively move to recuse the judge.  I don’t know why I need to know more than enough to recuse the judge, but that’s why the partners are so much smarter than me.

I was driving down a street in Memphis when I saw this:

Yes, that is a 40-50 foot replica of the Statue of Liberty holding a cross with “Return America to Christ” on the base of the statue.

This made me think of the contributions of lawyers, without whom this gift to humanity would not happened.  First, lawyers most certainly drafted the articles of incorporation for the non-profit that brought the statue to life.  Next, lawyers had to fight with the neighbors that thought such a statute might be a bit out of place in a residential area and likely attemped to use zoning laws to stop the construction.  Lawyers then would have negotiated with the sculptor to ensure the owners vision was met.  Finally, the owner likely has a First Amendment lawyer on speed dial to scare the bejesus out of anyone who dares challenge the very subtle message being sent.

Overall, legal fees were probably 15-25% of the total costs of the project.  Yet another example of the wonderful contributions we lawyers make to society.

So many legal movies, so few spots on the list (ten to be exact.)  However, some were able to fight through the clutter and earn a coveted spot on this prestigious list:

10. The Firm 

This is the only Grisham film on the list (if you need to see all of the movies based on his books that you read in high school, check back next week for the Top 10 Worst Legal Movies of All Time).  I can only dream of working for a firm that cares so much about its employees to keep an eye on them at all times.  Mine knows where I am, of course, because I am in the office about 110 hours/week; but I feel so lost when they can’t track me.  There are two facts that make this movie great: 1) they are trying to kill Tom Cruise; and 2) Wilfred Brimley, the diabetic oatmeal pitchman and cat doppelganger, is the guy trying to do it.

9. In the Name of the Father

A terrific film about the evil Brits keeping the hard working Irish down (Free Ulster!), and a revolutionary film about how the main characters are in no way, shape, or form revolutionaries.  For us of Irish origin, it is annoying that the do-gooder in the film is a Brit (Emma Thompson), but the soundtrack alone puts it in the Top 10.

In The Name of the Father Soundtrack

8. A Few Good Men

“Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because, deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand at post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.”

7. 12 Angry Men

Since we lawyers will likely never serve on a jury, we like to believe this film about conscientious jurors fighting for justice is a true depiction of jury deliberations.  In reality, most juries are likely like my last, who when asked why they took all morning and part of the afternoon to reach a verdict in a relatively simple case, stated they were pretty sure there was a lunch in it for them if they acted like they were still deliberating.

6. A Civil Action

I saw this before and after I started law school.  While it was a good way to teach the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, having that knowledge ruined the film for me.  It’s not that I like the “save the world” legal dramas (spoiler alert – Erin Brockovich is the runaway Worst Legal Move of All Time), but this is a good human drama.  However, you just can’t enjoy the story when considering how you would rule on Motions for Sanctions.  However, after watching this film after starting law school, I wanted to BE Jerome Facher (not that pansy Jan Schlichtmann), a quest I continue to this day.

Oh, and it is further evidence that William H. Macy makes every movie he appears in better (Boogie Nights, Fargo, The Cooler) except Wild Hogs…Sir Laurence Olivier could not have saved that pile of mung.

5. Inherit the Wind

The definitive film regarding the Scopes Monkey Trial.  Just say “Monkey Trial” a few times.  I’ll wait.

Yeah, it makes you smile, doesn’t it?

4. The Paper Chase

This was THE film to watch to scare you before law school.  Was anyone’s law school experience this awful? Not likely.  But we watched it during our first year, attempting to stretch every little incident in law school into a major event that was “just like” that scene in the movie.  We all had classmates with 200 page outlines, and that was likely the only similarity (and that guy did it solely to be “that guy.”)  However, we all told our non law school friends to watch this movie if they wanted to understand what we were going through (surprisingly, we failed to mention the happy hours.)

3. Amistad

Matthew McConaughey with mutton chops.  Amazing this is not #1.

2. To Kill a Mockingbird

Some cite the hero of this film, Atticus Finch, as the reason they got into law.

Some watch the film for its incredible analysis of race, class, and the injustice in American culture.

Film buffs believe Gregory Peck’s performance is among the best ever.

Still others study the trial scenes as inspiration in their own trials.

I watch for the liberal use of the word “chiffarobe.”  Go ahead say it.  Chiffarobe.  Almost as much fun as “monkey trial,” isn’t it?

What a chiffarobe may or may not look like:

1. My Cousin Vinny

This is probably the most quotable legal movie of all time.  Since I can’t spend the next few hours writing the script from memory (unless you can get a client to pay for it), I’ll just leave you with this thought:

Nicki Santoro is arguing a case against the mean coach from the Mighty Ducks in front of Judge Herman Munster with the freedom a Daniel LaRusso on the line.

Just went through and cleaned out all of the comments left.  It is ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that you wrote a comment and I just erased it.

I am sorry… kind of…

There were 5,789 comments awaiting moderation… Of those, let’s just say more than a few were spam.

So if your comment was erased… sorry… kind of…

If you were hoping to get ED meds, or hear the joke of the day, or find out the medical benefits of whey by reading the comments of our blog, I am truly sorry for ruining a potential source of information.  Hopefully you will still be able to find the lucid ramblings that coincide with ciallis spam somewhere else in your quest for a four hour… you get the picture.

Does your firm have a slogan?  Of course it does.  All firms do. 

Do you know what your firm’s slogan is?  Of course not.  Despite giving some marketing guru what amounts to a fifth-year’s salary to come up with a pithy five word summary of who you are, the slogan is put on some coffee mugs and the website, and then forgotten.  But not here!  We have found the best from the legal world and brought them to you in one convenient place.

10.  Challenge Us. 

(Because it’s all about how much we enjoy our jobs.  You and your cases are meaningless unless we have fun working on them.)
 
9.  Practical Professionals.  Practical Results. 

(Don’t set those expectations to high when you hire us.)
 
8.  Tell Them You Mean Business. 

(by hiring attorneys who have an ad on the side of a bus.)
 
7.  Don’t Settle for Less Than You Deserve.  (Because we all know the law really cares about what you “deserve.”)

Wow Even Law Librarians find it objectionable - http://nsulaw.typepad.com/novalawcity/2008/01/lawyer-ad-ethic.html
 
6.  It’s Not Just Business.  It’s Personal.  (Yeah!  Kick their ass!)

Unlike our template website - http://www.tsanglawfirm.com/
 
5.  When It Counts.  (All those other times, call someone else.)

As an alternative – When Results Count Stewart McKelvey - http://www.smss.com/en/home/default.aspx
 
4.  All We Do Is Work.  (and of course, bill for that work; but that’s assumed, right?)
 
3.  The Power Equalizer.  (and Income Redistributor.)
 
2.  Attorneys Who Make Things Happen. 

(What we make happen may or may not be what you want to happen; but hey, things happens.)
 
1.  Integrity.  Commitment.  Results.  (The founder of this firm was so commited to results that he is in jail for obtaining results on his committment to ply minors with drugs and alcohol and have his way with them.  Not sure where “Integrity” comes in, though.)

http://www.madisonrecord.com/news/215211-lakin-sentenced-to-six-years-in-federal-prison

Every office has one.  You usually figure out who she is as soon as you begin working at the firm.  If you don’t immediately know, you figure it out around the time of the Christmas party.  I am speaking, of course, of the Office Flu-zy.

No, I’m not referring to a woman with a certain…morally casual attitude.  No, I’m referring to the person who patrols the hallways looking for any sign of illness and reporting it to her superiors.  Our little flu enforcer is an accounts receivable lackey who deputized herself as the “office health coordinator” a few years ago and has not let go of the position.  Then the swine flu came along like a miraculous answer to her little power hungry prayers.

She walks the halls with clipboard in hand, asking every employee how they’re feeling that day and noting any symptoms reported like a M.D.-less House trying to solve medical mysteries.  I’ve been slowly telling her I suffer from symptoms that, when she puts them into webmd or whatever pop-medical diagnosis machine she uses, will tell her I have Hanson’s Disease (aka leprosy).  It’s only a matter of time before I hear from the NIH.

I asked someone in the business office how often she was in her cube, and was told she has declared her health duties as more important than her actual job.  So she is paid to do one job, but has decided that job is boring, and created a completely different title for herself.  And yet, the accounts receivable department has not missed a beat.  I heard that once the swine flu subsides, the firm will get rid of her (since her primary job is fungible), and hire an actual health professional to serve as the health officer.  Congratulations, Office Flu-zy, you have worked your way out of a job.

But in the bigger picture, the Office Flu-zy is just doing what our society has told us to do.  “Stay home if your sick.”  “You don’t do work any good if you’re sick.”  “Whatever you add by showing up you take away by getting others sick.”  Bulls#!*!!!!  What good is a society that cowers in fear when it has the sniffles?  How great can a society be if it runs for the hills when someone coughs?  I say go to work every day you can stand and keep the wheels of commerce turning.  Just say no to the wussification of the office.  Stand up to the Office Flu-zy, go to work, bill time, and show why we are still the most productive nation on the planet.  And if you have to sneeze on someone, make sure it’s a staffer, not another biller.

Like every business, my firm has bought into the panic and gone overboard trying to avoid a mass flu infection.  And, like everywhere else, the policies have led to mass laziness and absenteeism.

First, the firm is offering free flu vaccines to the lawyers.  Further, they ”massaged the truth” to the County Health Department and said they had a bunch of pregnant women and babies working at the firm to get H1N1 shots for the lawyers.  They were also able to find nurses who were talented enough inject the shots while we type on the computer, thus causing zero billable hours lost while getting innoculated.

Next, the firm has provided staff members with an extra five days of sick pay if they claim they are infected with the flu.  Since most people feel better after about three days, that’s two free paid vacation days.  I saw three secretaries sharing a cup of coffee (yes, the same cup) with a secretary who was “out” with the flu at a Starbucks next to the office.  I’m surprised they didn’t just kiss her.  Not disappointed (I really didn’t need that visual), but surprised.  Last week, 20% of the staff was out.  I had to make my own copies once.  It reminded me why I went to law school.

Finally, the firm has also asked the associates to pick up the slack for the associates who are out with the flu.  The Management Committee has “regrettably” asked that all associates who are not sick bill an extra .1 hour per day for each associate out.  Each morning, we get an e-mail listing who is out, and providing us with teh final count of extra hours we must bill.  Today, 16 associates were out, so we all added 1.6 hours to the pile.  Of course, the people who are out will need to make up the time lost, but they have 11.5 months to do so before the end of the billable year.

I had the flu this week, but didn’t miss any time.  I don’t want my collegues to see my name on the wuss list and think they can get ahead of me on the billable hours chart.  So I just closed my door and plugged away.  I requested an extra trash can to avoid traveling to the bathroom to get sick, and slept on my floor to avoid going home and getting my family sick.  Now, even though I kept the door closed and never coughed directly on her, my secretary is claiming to be sick.  If I weren’t too sick to drive, knew where she lived, and could bill for it, I’d stake out her home to prove she’s just trying to get a few days off.  Either that, or I’ll wait for her to come down for a cup of coffee with the other staffers.

So the firm’s billable year ends next week, and I highly enjoy watching everyone squeeze out every last .1 of an hour.  I actually had someone ask me if we could park in the garage on Sundays!  So he is basically admitting that the has never been to work on a Sunday!  I thought about immediately reporting him to the partners, but figured I would hold this little nugget in my back pocket to break out in case he becomes a threat.

There was also a second year female associate crying about how she hasn’t seen her baby in a week.  I kindly suggested that if she had spent a little less time with her baby in the other 11 months, she wouldn’t have to spend so much time away this month.  Somehow, depsite pointing out the obvious, I’M the bad guy.  I’m not worried, though.  If she is so stressed about missing her child, I am positive she’ll collect the bonus check in December and turn in her letter of resignation the next day.

This week will be tough because, although everyone is working late to get their bonus, I HAVE to be the last person in the office to keep my reputation.  I just wish I had some last minute panic to motivate me.  But since I make sure to bill 75-80 hours a week throughout the year, I’ve surpassed all billable targets months ago, and just have my own desire to demonstrate my superiority over my cohorts.  That should be enough.